Shifter By Christmas Read online

  Funny, he didn’t sound apologetic. If anything, he sounded frustrated. A little angry.

  Uneasy, Farris cast a look toward the window. It was still snowing, which meant her escape was blocked. Damn. More snow had fallen during their time together and the fresh inches lay overtop of the already high mounds and drifts. The wind had whipped them into a frenzy of peaks reaching the windowpanes.

  “Oh no, don’t look around like you want to escape. This is something we need to deal with.”

  When she rose, he reached up and touched her arm. She jerked away. “Not we, just you. I came here with you because you had a point about the snowstorm. I stayed because there was no way I could make it out on my own. I slept with you because I wanted to and because I find you sexy as hell. But this? I don’t need to deal with this. This sounds like a personal problem.”

  “Don’t run away,” he growled. “Farris…”

  “I couldn’t if I wanted to. There is literally nowhere for me to go.” She stopped, turned in a half circle, running her hands through her hair. “I feel like it’s all been a lie. Another great lie at my expense. You didn’t have to tell me I’m your mate to get me into bed with you. I would have gone willingly without it.”

  “There’s a problem with your logic, sweetheart, because I told you after we were in bed together, which means I couldn’t have used it against you. Why are you fighting me on this?”

  Her hands fisted at her sides and she felt cold. Her head swam. Her insides boiled like lava. “Because it can’t be real! There’s no such thing as true love. Lifemates. There’s always a cost no matter what and I’m afraid when I learn yours, I won’t be able to survive.”

  “Farris, will you look at me when I’m talking to you? There’s no cost because I love you.” He rose to touch her hair, groaning when she stepped away.

  “You can’t!” she insisted.

  “There’s no reasoning with you when you get like this,” he argued. “I swear your head is harder than mine.”

  “Then why don’t you leave?”

  Ah, there it was. The root. The realization hit her with a whoosh and at once she was so lightheaded she wanted to pass out.

  “You think I’m going to leave you.” A statement, not a question.

  The familiar impatience simmered inside of him. She could see it and felt like she had to justify herself. “They always leave. As soon as they get what they want. You got what you wanted out of me. Once the snow melts, we can go our separate ways and you won’t have to hear from me again. It will be done. No big deal.”

  He sat up, the sheets hiding his nakedness. “I don’t want it to be done. I know it’s going to be hard work but we can do it. We were made to do it because we were fashioned for each other. Just as you’re my perfect mate, I’m yours. You’re going to have to learn to trust me and lean on me.”

  Her head shook until the inside of her skull felt like a pinball machine. “I don’t have to lean on you because you won’t be there.”

  “Where do you think I’m going? Wait, where do you think you’re going?”

  “Out. I need to clear my head.” A swell of exhaustion had her stopping in place. Her hand was on the coat hook. With the anxiety from her cabin fever, she hadn’t been sleeping well. Her body felt heavy. A weight crushing down on her.

  “You can’t go outside. It’s still snowing.”

  “And that isn’t going to stop me,” she insisted.

  Lakota dragged his legs over the side of the bed, his head resting in his hands. “Don’t do this. Don’t ruin a beautiful night together by freaking out and running away. We need to be able to sit and talk about it.”

  “Which I might be able to do a little better once I get some fresh air and clear my head. Don’t worry, I won’t go far.” She swallowed a laugh, eyes misty. “I can’t, because I have nowhere to go.”

  Tense, tired, and a little hungry, she fell victim to the demands of her body. He reacted before thinking, leaping out of the bed and, nude as the day he was born, striding toward her. Although he kept his touch light and his arms gentle, she sensed the frustration in him, simmering beneath the surface. Lakota slipped his arms around her shoulders. Emotions poured through her and she remembered every past relationship she’d had. None had ended well. None were solid, the way she’d wished, and she became accustomed to sleeping alone at night. Thinking herself unlovable.

  “I never want you to feel that way,” he snarled as if reading her mind.

  She leaned closer, lifting her hand to his chest. Trying to make him understand. “I can’t help it.”

  “I promise you. It will be different from now on.”

  Her touch must have triggered something inside of him because she felt his arms tighten moments before his lips crashed down on hers. Farris shuddered, the rest of the disagreement she’d been prepared to launch at him disappearing in the kiss.

  She’d never known such sweetness. Such softness. His lips took a slow journey over hers before moving lower along her jawline. Like he couldn’t wait to devour her. She recognized the moment the need grew to something sharper. More intense.

  Lakota’s hand moved higher to cup her breast.

  How could she refuse to acknowledge him when she wanted him to touch her so desperately? She wanted to be his, in every way, until she took her last breath. The confusion and doubt seemed to seep away the longer he touched her. Nothing else could intrude if she was in his arms. There were no vicious voices inside her head to taunt her.

  There was only Lakota.

  Her knees began to tremble and she braced her body against his. Arching in invitation.

  He used her confusion against her and reached out toward the door to slap his hand against it like a barrier. “Sorry. I’m not letting you leave.”

  Her happy bubble burst. “You can’t treat me like a prisoner!”

  “You have no idea how lucky I am to have you,” he insisted, chest heaving, cheeks colored. “Only a handful of lynx shifters find the one they searched for, their true mate, a male or female whose soul was perfectly designed to complement theirs. Am I making sense yet? We’re two halves of the same whole. If I hadn’t found you, my parents would have found a mate for me from one of the other communities and we would have been forced to marry.”

  “No one is forced to marry anymore. It’s archaic,” she argued.

  “Not here. We operate under a different set of laws. Part of your community but also part of another. Chemistry doesn’t matter when you’re facing extinction. There are only a few of my kind left, and naturally born families are rarer to find. The fact that you’re here and that we’re together…should I go on? You are so important, Farris. So important. Not just to me.”

  “I don’t understand. How can you actually believe what you’re saying? Fate doesn’t create the perfect partner for someone. It doesn’t leave your soul out there to wander the wilderness in search of its other half.”

  “How do you know?”

  She let her hands fly up. “Because it’s not reality!”

  “It’s my reality.” His eyes clouded.

  “You’re insane. Or I am. This whole thing has probably been a product of my imagination. Maybe you really did go psycho on me in your animal form and now I’m in some kind of medically induced coma teetering on the brink of—”

  He reached out and grabbed her flapping hand, bringing it to his heart. “It’s not a coma. This is reality.” He tapped her fingers on his chest. “This. Listen to my heartbeat. Trust.”

  “I don’t know how.”

  “We can figure it out together.”

  “You’re awfully willing to be buddy-buddy with someone who is nothing but a prisoner and a sex slave to you.”

  He gave an exasperated sigh. “Are you done with your nonsense? Because I think it’s pretty clear by now that you are neither of those things. You’ve been free to go this entire time.”

  “Okay, so maybe I’m just scared of my feelings. Is that what you want to hear me
say?” she argued, voice swelling in passion.

  “It’s a good start, sure,” he admitted. “You want to tell me about the rest of it?”

  “There’s nothing else to say. Oh, but if you’re my mate, then you could probably read my mind and tell me what I’m feeling. Or do we communicate telepathically?”

  His stoic façade remained. “It doesn’t work that way.”

  “How does it work, Lakota? Because I’m struggling and I can’t seem to make sense of anything anymore.”

  “Try to breathe.”

  She had enough trouble with it without him telling her what to do. She slapped his hand away when it came down between her shoulder blades. At once she was vulnerable. Naked, and afraid of her surroundings. Afraid of herself, and what was worse, no matter where she went she took the fear with her. There was no escape. “Don’t touch me.”

  Lakota held his hands up in front of him. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s a lot to process,” she struggled to say when her chest ached. “I mean, meeting someone like you and having you be interested in me is big enough. Genuine interest takes it up a notch. But lifemates?” She pointed to her heart. “I’m not a shifter. I’m a flesh and blood human being.”

  “I am too—”

  She bowled past him, her panic pushing her farther and faster. The kitchen came too quickly and she whirled around, trapped. “I’m not like you. We aren’t even the same species. To meet you and have this pushed on me, it’s…it’s madness. There’s no such thing as soulmates, Lakota, and it’s a lesson I learned the hard way.”

  “Then it’s time for a new lesson. I’m telling you, you were meant for me. We were made for each other. There is one perfect match in this world and most people are lucky if they can make it through finding some kind of love, let alone the perfect love. You and I have been given a precious gift and a rare opportunity. You want to waste time questioning it?”

  “Yes!” She was floating along in confusion, not sure if she could find her way back to reality. Was she physically incapable of coping with this? Was he demanding too much of her? What was there about her that made Lakota look at her like she was his world?

  Farris curled her hands into fists.

  “Then fine,” he finally said. “Take all the damn time in the world. I’ll be over in the kitchen trying to prepare dinner if you need me.”

  She moved to the living room area to avoid him when he walked past, then listened to the sounds of his movements echoing against the wooden rafters of the cabin. Couldn’t he see how much she needed him? How much she was scared of that very concept? There she was huddled on the couch, trying to understand herself, and wishing she could curse instead.

  “Just like that?” she asked softly. “We’re back in this homey scene where I’m supposed to relax and let you take care of me?”

  “Yes, just like that, because this is what it could be. What it should be. And if you think I’m not as scared as you are, then you need more than a little time to think about it. This is a whole new experience for me, too. I wasn’t walking in the woods expecting to trip over my soul’s match, but there you were, and there I was, and now we’re here together. I’m terrified, and each step I take is brand new to me too. I feel like I’m fumbling along and I don’t know what to do to make you happy, in part because I’m terrified of fucking up and losing you.” He crossed to her and knelt until they were eye level, his own gaze dark and unreadable. “I can’t go back. I can’t go back to a world without color, where nothing has meaning and it’s an endless cycle of work and misery.”

  She shook her head, surprised when her eyes stung. “I don’t want to go back either.”

  “Then don’t you think you can make a little space for me?” His fingers fumbled to reach higher and tap against her temples. “Make space here.” He moved lower, to her heart. “And here. I’m not claiming I’m perfect and things will be easy. Odds are good that things are going to be hard at first because I’m still trying to navigate these waters and there’s no riverboat pilot along to help me.”

  She snickered softly. “You been watching old movies again?”

  “I’m serious.”

  “And I’m defusing the tension with jokes.” She curled her hands on her lap.

  “I understand, and I love your sense of humor,” he said. “But I need you to open your mind and your heart a little bit, Farris, because we’re wasting time instead of appreciating what we have. Don’t let the negative voices in your head and your low self-esteem keep you hidden away.”

  Maybe she’d loved unwisely in the past. Maybe she’d been used and ignored and treated like she didn’t matter so long that it stuck with her. She’d also learned that talk was cheap.

  She propped her chin on her knees and stared at Lakota. “I didn’t know you had such a way with words.”

  He twisted his lips into a pouty smile, rubbing circles on her calf with his fingers. “Yeah, well, don’t get too used to it. This is the most I’ve spoken in the last six months. You ask any of the guys I work with and they’ll tell you how tight-lipped I am.”

  Maybe a challenge was precisely what she needed. “Your secret is safe with me.” She closed her eyes and, suddenly feeling like a rag doll, collapsed.

  “Whoa, there.” His arms instantly came around her.

  Ragged gasps emitted from her raw throat, sending sparks of fire through her. She felt weak and sluggish. Her lashes swept down and she found it hard to focus on Lakota through the black dots whirling in front of her face.

  “I’m not sure what’s going on,” she managed. “It came on me in a snap.” She tried to get her fingers to snap together crisply in demonstration and found her right hand uncooperative, the fingers refusing to move together. She didn’t have enough energy to be worried. “Sorry, we might have to postpone our conversation.”

  “Are you all right?” Concern colored his voice. Might have even twisted his face if she could focus on the two images of him.

  “I…I think so. Man, I’m dizzy. It should pass.” She drew air into her lungs and held it there, hoping it would make a difference. “It should pass.”

  “Pass? How long have you been feeling poorly?”

  She tried to shrug and found her shoulders refusing to move without great effort. “I don’t know. A day?” She swallowed convulsively but nothing made it past the boulder lodged there in her throat. Where had it come from? “It kind of feels like the flu but it comes and goes.”

  “Symptoms, please.”

  “Oh, you want to play doctor? Give me a few hours to sleep and I might be able to rally.” The look on his face was one of stone. Serious. Immovable. She sighed. “Insomnia and anxiety, probably because I’ve been trapped in this cabin with a strange mountain man who thinks I’m his lifemate or something. Difficulty swallowing, but the weather is different up here in the mountains and I’m not used to the dry air. Trouble breathing, headaches and muscle pain, loss of appetite…” She trailed off when he placed a hand on her forehead. “Fever?”

  “You got it.”

  Farris let her head tilt back and focused on bringing air into her lungs when her head began swimming toward the ceiling. Try as she might, she couldn’t get her body to react, to stand on its own and move into a more comfortable position. One where Lakota wasn’t keeping her close enough to smother.

  “See, it’s just the flu. I had a feeling something was a little froggy in there. I just need a few more days of rest and then I’ll be good as new. Hey. Hey! What are you doing?” Her protests were weak when he sat her down on the couch and moved to her foot.

  “That wound on your ankle. I’ve noticed you scratching it. I should have taken a closer look at it before now. How did you say it happened?”

  She tried to jerk away, hissing when it itched. Ached. “When I first got into town, I stopped to get gas. There was a stray dog or cat or fox or something. I’m not sure. All I know is I felt something nip at my ankle as I was pumping gas and then all I saw was a blur
of fur. But I cleaned it right away and I’ve been taking good care of it. There’s nothing to worry about. It’ll be fine.”

  His fingers probed the red edges of the bite. There were deep thoughts going on behind his eyes, ones he kept from her as he went to places she could not follow. Finally, he let out a breath and his throat convulsed. “I know you don’t want to hear this. Try to stay calm. The animal that bit you? I think it really might have had rabies.”

  Chapter 8

  The look on her face broke his heart.

  “What? …No. No, you can’t be serious. I’m going to d-d-die?” Her weak protest twisted his heart.

  Farris managed to sit up and nearly lost her bearings, her eyes rolling into her head. A hysterical sob welled up.

  “No,” he soothed, keeping his hand on her cheek. “No, sweetheart, you aren’t going to die. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you feel better. You’ll be fine.”

  Fear settled low and frigid in his stomach. He didn’t know much about the disease, except that death could occur within days of the onset of symptoms. And once symptoms appeared, rabies was usually fatal.

  “You have to be brave and strong for me.”

  He couldn’t tell her he had a terrible suspicion it was already too late. Why hadn’t he picked up on it before? Where the hell was his mind? He felt horrible and cursed himself at the instant fear in her eyes. There were telltale symptoms and signs; once they began to manifest it was only a matter of time before the host body died. If they’d caught it earlier, or he’d been on his game, he might have noticed.

  Now that he was tuned in to Farris, he noted her body temperature dropping, her strength slowly ebbing away. He felt sick. Why had he pushed her when she was keeping this at bay? Why had he forced her into his bed, into his arms, into an argument? And why hadn’t his own animal sense picked up on it. Wasn’t it a survival instinct, the urgent need to avoid diseased creatures?